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WEDDING STYLISTS ON STRIKE UNTIL GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL Published: 07/06/12
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RALEIGH, NC (CAP) - A growing number of fashion designers, stylists and event planners have banned together and are refusing to provide services to straight couples who are planning their weddings until gay marriage is legalized across the country. The boycott has gained momentum during the last few months as more states have moved to either ban gay marriage or refuse to legally recognize same-sex unions of any kind. Engaged heterosexual couples have reacted with alarm. Forthcoming nuptials are expected to suffer greatly from a lack of style and taste until the self-imposed ban is lifted. "I'm incredibly worried about this," said Patricia Felton, 28, who had planned to marry her fiance of two years, Martin Bland, in a large ceremony this summer. "I had the best team of stylists and planners in the world until they all resigned as part of this strike. I'm completely at a loss now." Felton held up a scarlet cocktail dress. "I was going to wear this to the rehearsal dinner because [former wedding planner] Vince said it was daring, but also darling and that I could get away with it with my figure," said Felton. "But now I'm not so sure, especially since I found out that the carpet at the restaurant is green. Am I going to look like a Christmas elf?" She turned to her fiance, who shook his head and backed away slowly. "Martin? A little advice please? Can you even tell me if these shoes go? WHO WILL HELP ME?!" Felton collapsed in tears, clutching the dress and shoes, as her fiance fled the scene. Although not all of the stylists and designers taking part in the movement are gay, a large percentage are, and many of them have long-term partners they say they would someday like to marry. The general consensus is that it is unjust for a wedding planner to assist with an event that he or she is legally banned from personally participating in. "It wreaks havoc on your karma," noted Trent Richards, a highly sought-after designer who helped spearhead the strike. "Knowing that I've helped countless couples look great while walking down an aisle that I and my partner of 10 years are banned from has become too frustrating to bear." "I'm tired of designing elaborate flower arrangements for straight weddings while knowing that I'm prohibited in most states from ever having one myself," said Kevin Peters, a stylist from Raleigh. "Not only has North Carolina banned gay marriage, but they just amended the state constitution to bar recognition of any union aside from marriage between a man and a woman. That felt like a slap in the face. Enough was enough." Added Peters, "We're hoping that putting the pressure on engaged couples will help push the equality movement forward so that in the next few years all Americans will be able to marry the person they love. In the meantime, create your own damn centerpieces, heteros. I guarantee that for the most part they will be tacky as hell." As of press time, wedding boutiques had begun to report an alarming increase in the demand for Groom Kilts and particularly vulgar Unity Candles.

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CAP NEWS TICKER - 12/1/2012 Published: 01/12/12
Joe Biden stopped by the opening of a new Costco today and totally cleaned the store out of all their food samples. "It's not like *I* got invited to have lunch with Obama," he said, telling patrons that's how Americans will have to eat if middle-class tax cuts are repealed.President Obama will host Mitt Romney for lunch tomorrow after the Secret Service picked up the former presidential nominee p...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
UNFORTUNATE TYPO LEADS TO MUCH UNEXPECTED NUDITY Published: 30/11/12
CHEVY CHASE (CAP) - A typo in the Baltimore Sun led to hundreds of nudists showing up for the Audubon Naturalist Society's annual meeting and bird-watching contest last weekend. The listing, which was supposed to be titled Calling All Naturalists, was input as Calling All Naturists. As a result, Audubon members - mostly suburban housewives in their 60s and 70s - found themselves surrounded almos...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
FRUIT CART ASSOC. PROTESTS LATEST JAMES BOND MOVIE Published: 29/11/12
MARRAKESH (CAP) - The International Guild of Fruit Cart Owners (IGFCO), the world's largest association of fruit cart proprietors, has launched an official protest against the new James Bond movie Skyfall, noting that its opening sequence alone features at least a half dozen fruit carts crushed by large, fast-moving vehicles. "It was the straw that broke the camel's back," said guild spokesman Ab...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
GOVERNMENT DROWNS GROVER NORQUIST IN BATHTUB Published: 28/11/12
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. Federal Government was arrested and charged with manslaughter after the body of conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist was found this week at his home in Washington, D.C. Police on the scene confirmed that Norquist had in fact been drowned in his own bathtub and that foul play was suspected. Investigators say the Federal Government was the last known entity to have see...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
LITTLE DEBBIE ARRESTED AFTER WEEK-LONG SNACK BENDER Published: 27/11/12
CHATTANOOGA (CAP) - "Little Debbie" McKee, whose Zebra Cakes and Cosmic Brownies have long taken a back seat to Twinkies and Ring Dings, was arrested just outside Chattanooga yesterday after a reported wild bacchanal celebrating the downfall of Hostess Brands Inc. "Who's moist and spongy NOW?" Debbie reportedly screamed repeatedly as police carted her off with her white straw hat hanging askew fr...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
PATS' GRONKOWSKI RECEIVES BIONIC FOREARM IMPLANT Published: 26/11/12
BOSTON (CAP) - New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has become the NFL's first bionic player following an experimental surgical procedure after breaking his left arm during a game against the Indianapolis Colts. Doctors say the arm now has the equivalent strength of a bulldozer. "Gentlemen, doctors told me they could rebuild him because they have the technology," coach Bill Belichick sa...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
[AUDIO] PUFFY PAPER ULTRA SOFT Published: 25/11/12
Whether you're wiping or blowing or killing a spider that's scampering across the bathroom vanity, use the one toilet paper that's gentle no matter the surface....

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Gadget Name: CAP News
PRESIDENT OBAMA, FAMILY CELEBRATE BLACK FRIDAY Published: 23/11/12
WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Barack Obama and his family celebrated the their first Black Friday holiday today as second-term residents of the White House. The foursome kept the day fairly low-key, staying home to watch a movie together and then taking in dinner at B Smith's at Union Station. "Today is a very special day for my people," Obama told reporters as he dined on grilled lamb chops with ...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
MICHELLE OBAMA BOOED AT THANKSGIVING DINNER Published: 22/11/12
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Michelle Obama's week went from bad to worse as the First Lady found herself the subject of a round of booing while she served Thanksgiving dinner at the White House today. Eyewitness reports had difficulty identifying the origination of the booing, which by many accounts appeared to be scattered throughout the dining room. "Secret Service agents believed they had pinpointed th...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
ISRAEL, PALESTINE TO DUKE IT OUT ON CUPCAKE WARS Published: 21/11/12
TEL AVIV (CAP) - As calls for a ceasefire between Israel and Gaza intensify, United Nations officials report that both sides have agreed to send two of their best bakers to New York to compete in an upcoming episode of the Food Network's Cupcake Wars. The winning team will not only get the coveted $10,000 prize but will also have their cupcakes showcased at the LUPUS Foundation Of America's annua...

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Gadget Name: CAP News
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