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SLOTS STILL OPEN FOR AL QAEDA SUMMER CAMP Published: 15/08/12
CASAS ADOBES, Ariz. (CAP) - There may not be much time left for summer vacation, but there's still plenty of time to sign your child up for a week of al Qaeda summer camp. With 14 locations around the country, the AQSC program is the perfect opportunity to add some zing to summer before it's over. ...

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OOPS! MARS ROVER TECH FORGOT TO PACK THE BIG LENS Published: 14/08/12
PASADENA (CAP) - In one of the few disappointments so far involving the Mars rover Curiosity - which landed on the red planet last week - several technicians were reportedly horrified to find NASA's F-7000 High Density Lens in a storage closet at their jet propulsion lab yesterday. The lens, which ...

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U.S. TO HELP SYRIA NOW THAT OLYMPICS ARE OVER Published: 13/08/12
DAMASCUS, Syria (CAP) - As war continues to tear apart the Middle Eastern nation of Syria, the U.S. State Department has finally responded to that country's pleas for help, stating that America will send aid now that the 2012 London Olympics have concluded. That aid will take the form of food, suppl...

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[AUDIO] GENERATION GULLIBLE APPAREL Published: 12/08/12
It's the new fall line of clothing for the unaspiring slacker, a generous blend of apathetic outerwear and indifferent undergarments available for a limited time....

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CELLPHONE CAMERA CONCERT PICTURES WIN PULITZER NOD Published: 10/08/12
NEW YORK (CAP) - A series of blurry photographs taken during a recent Wilco concert by Rhode Island resident Kurt Ward using his cellphone's camera have been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize in Feature Photography. Although it is nearly impossible to ascertain exactly what is in the pictures, critics...

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PROFILE OF AN OLYMPIC FAILURE: EDNA JAMANSKI Published: 09/08/12
ELMIRA, NY (CAP) - Part pollock, part Polack, was how Edna Jamanski's father Tom affectionately referred to her growing up. A plucky little pale toddler, Edna Jamanski took to the water like a fish to a deep fryer. At eight she was consistently racking up swimming awards at school and camp competiti...

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SHUNNED BY CHICK-FIL-A, GAYS TURN TO HEALTH FOODS Published: 08/08/12
AUSTIN, Tex. (CAP) - As the public furor over Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy's anti-gay marriage stance continues to dominate media headlines, a new study by the National Institutes of Health suggests that homosexual health has already improved by 27% as gay and lesbian Americans find themselves fo...

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SPRINGSTEEN'S E STREET BAND SUFFERING FROM 'EXHAUSTION' Published: 07/08/12
HELSINKI (CAP) - Several members of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band were admitted to the Helsinki University Central Hospital last week, apparently suffering from exhaustion following a concert at Olympic Stadium that lasted anywhere from four to nine hours, according to various reports. "It was ...

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SUBWAY INTRODUCES NEW FIFTY SHADES OF FOOTLONG Published: 02/08/12
MILFORD, Conn. (CAP) - In a tie-in with author E L James's smash-hit erotica trilogy Fifty Shades Of Grey, Subway recently announced the debut of its new Fifty Shades Of Footlong sandwich. A press release claims the new sandwich "will bring you to new heights of flavor you never before thought possi...

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ROMNEY TAX RETURNS SHOW HISTORY OF NPR DONATIONS Published: 01/08/12
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Giving in to months of pressure from politicians on both sides of the aisle, Mitt Romney has finally made the last ten years of his tax returns public. Already it appears the fallout from the information they've revealed may significantly impact his chances for election this Novem...

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