Hi Mike,

I need your opinion about my current situation.

I just got back from hanging out with a girl in my apartment unit that I'm really interested in.  We were together for about 5 hours; we started by decorating the hall that she lives on, and then through the course of conversation I discovered that she had not yet seen the movie Gran Torino, so I grabbed my copy from my room and we watched it together.  Naturally, I made the best use I could of the movie to get close to her, and I succeeded.  And I definitely wasn't prepared for what happened next.

After about 45 minutes of the movie, she asked me to hit PAUSE.  She then proceeded to ask me what my belief system was, my religious beliefs.  She explained that in her experience dating someone of a different religion didn't work out well.  She's a Christian, not ultra-devout but she made it clear that God is a big part of her life.  I was raised Roman Catholic but consider myself a nondenominational humanist now.  I explained exactly that -- that I'm not really sure what I am, but that I just try to be as good a person as I can.

What are your thoughts on this?  Was this just some kind of test do you think, or could this be a real stumbling block?  Is there anything I can do to minimize the effect this could have on any potential relationship?

Thanks,
Robert

Hi Bob,
 
Two topics that it's easy to get into an argument over are politics and religion -- so you need to tread carefully here.  I too am something of a "lapsed Catholic" like yourself, having become disillusioned for a variety of different reasons along the way, but I don't make an issue about it and generally just accept what others believe without trying to talk them out of it (so long as they don't try to shove they're beliefs down my throat).
 
The way I would go here is to just have those soft hands I talk about in the book and sort of absorb whatever stuff she throws at you regarding religion.  Just accommodate her beliefs to whatever degree you can handle without blowing a fuse.  Try to avoid the subject as much as you can and avoid creating any conflict over it.

Now, she has to at least meet you halfway here and implicitly agree to stay off YOUR back about it too.  Otherwise this deal will likely never work out.  You have to make these kinds of choices with women all the time... do I desire her enough to put up with her constant "xxxxxx-ing", which I can't stand!  At some point the price has to become too much to bear.  Know where that point is for you.
 
The only thing you can ever do when you discover a basic (possible) incompatibility with any woman like this is to accept whatever it happens to be to a degree with the understanding that you are not caving in totally and will not tolerate her thinking that you've been bent to her will.  This will only lower your HSM standing and make her lose respect for you.

You might also try to make her understand that her own faith should become stronger in the presence of someone who challenges it, rather than just 100% buys into everything she believes like a useless suck-up.
 
It's only those of little genuine faith that are insecure in the presence of a non-believer, after all.  Those with powerful faith have been tormented and put to death at the hands of non-believers all throughout history, just look at any of the saints in the Catholic canon.  Take care, and let me know how it goes.

     ~ Mike Pilinski
        Author, Without Embarrassment,
        She's Yours For The Taking
 
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