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|HOW TO REMAIN INDEPENDENT IN A RELATIONSHIP||Published: 28/01/10|
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The problem that most couples face when they’re so in love or have been living for a long time together is the growing dependency to each other. It is somewhat inevitable if your whole world just revolve in and around the presence of your partner. And when you want out of this dependence, it is somewhat sad to realize that you already are in the deep end. You have lost your friends. You are now so far in thought and in mind with your family that you don’t have any fall-back to go to when things got a turn to the worse.
Sad as it may seem, that dependency has happened because you or your partner has allowed it. Battered wives are given no option but to be dependent on a husband because he has cut all of his wife’s communication with friends and family subtly, slowly, systematically, and definitely. Financial stability was pulled, making it difficult for the wife to leave the husband. The ever bittersweet cycle of love and hate has anchored her to her husband so deeply, she is blinded to the options that she can still be independent and there are still other people out there who can love her for what she is. For normal couples, being so into each other, spending so much time, and letting one’s day filled with activities that require the presence of the other will definitely lead to the road towards dependency.
If both of you love each other, both of you must realize that each must have a room to grow for the relationship to prosper. Think of it this way. You’re the clingy, needy, dependent person who is just there on that single level. Your other independent partner is constantly finding ways to improve his or her life by expanding social networks, getting success at work, and maintaining a good and healthy relationship with family and friends. In doing so his or her life is improving while you’re just stuck there with nothing to do and no one to talk to for you have severed your ties with your friends and family for you just want to be with the love of your life. Your work is also in shambles for you cannot concentrate at work, you’re always on the phone calling your partner’s office, or at worse not going to work because you just want to be at home where you get the familiar sights and smell of your partner. So how would your relationship go to another level if one is so stunted and lacks understanding of the need to develop and be what they can be without the other?
Here is what you can do to start getting into that road towards independence:
Plan your activities ahead. Make it a point that you spend at least 4-6 hours not thinking of your partner or doing something that you can do on your own. Have a day reconnecting with friends, without ever having to talk about your partner constantly and incessantly. Remember that the reason your friends left you was because you always harp and hark about your partner. And please, do not pick up the phone every 5 minutes or so to check if your partner texted you or if a message was left on your answering machine. And do not even think of going outside just to call and check on how you everything is going on your partner’s end. Both of you are already adults, not toddlers in the need of a parent’s attention.
Is your workstation cluttered with all sorts of pictures of the two of you together? Having a constant reminder of the love of your life while you’re working really is detrimental for your concentration. Slowly, yet surely reduce the size of your desk album. Take a picture or two at home every 2-3 days until you’re down to just 1 or 2. Same goes for tokens given by your partner. Leave just one special item that your partner gave you for your anniversary or a special occasion, and that would be just enough.
If your partner is out with friends or having a bowling night with co-leagues, let your partner be. Engage in other activities as well of a similar nature, but not in the same location as he is. Never succumb to the temptation of calling your partner. Do not detest or mourn over time you have to spend alone. Take it by the head and go do the things you used to do when you were that independent individual that you used to love. Get out of the house and get some fresh air. Letting yourself get stuck inside the house on a Friday night will surely make you think of things about your partner that will pull you down.
Exercise has been known to relieve depression and slowly build up independence and confidence. Reason: endorphins. These are natural hormones secreted by your body during physical activity. It creates a sense of well-being, a sort of natural high that combats stress and depression. Aside from feeling good, you will also look good for your partner.
Is there something that needs to be done? Do you have the ability to do it yourself? Or do you just think you cannot do it without your partner? If it’s totally difficult like plumbing or building furniture, you’re justified in asking for your partner’s help. But if it comes to choosing what clothes to wear, buying grocery, calling the credit company to ask for an update on your credit loan, surely you can do it yourself without the need to consult or be with your partner.
It’s never easy to become independent. Do not confuse independence from a relationship to growing apart from your partner. Being independent is just being confident that you can be yourself, live by yourself, yet still soft enough to give and receive love and attention. It is being happy with your partner, and missing each other while being apart yet still be able to function accordingly. Falling apart is going about your business totally ignoring the other person and not considering if your partner is getting hurt by the lack of time and attention. All you have to do is believe you can be free to live your own life yet still be that loving person that your partner loves.
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