Hi Mike,

I understand that making up is not your specialty, but I was wondering if you have any advice. I don't know how much detail you need, but basically, my girl dumped me 2 weeks ago. I gave her time alone that I thought might help. The only contact I've had is to send flowers and 2 text messages which she responded to, but she did not follow up by asking me questions, and I'm losing hope. We don't have the same friends, so it makes it very hard to run into her again. We have a few acquaintances that offered to host a party and invite her, so I can talk to her, but it is all pending on, if she come etc.

Her reasons for ending it was because she thinks she cannot trust that I can be serious in a relationship and I did not express love. She did not express that things were bothering her and she simply them build up. We went out for 4 or 5 months. Any advice?

Hi Andy,

Sorry to hear about your troubles with this girl. Well, it looks to me like she decided that you failed her test of "commitment desire" and now she's done with you. Your continuing actions to get her back by sending flowers and texts that she fails to react to, look pretty grim to me. Truthfully, you're demonstrating some immaturity by doing all this stuff.

I mean stop and think about it... you didn't seem to want her all that much when you were together -- as she accused you of being emotionally distant -- and now that you can't have her you suddenly want her like crazy and are scrambling to get her back! You only want what you can't have. I'll let you consider what this particular sort of behavior makes you look like.

As you said, I'm not a big fan of this getting back together stuff anyway, and I don't know that there is any way to deliver any sort of message that doesn't make you look even weaker in this situation. My thinking in this type of case is that you have to back away, have another affair or relationship for awhile, and then if you still hold a candle for her then try getting back together. Having gone though this experience will demonstrate that you've moved on socially and have increased your life experience somewhat.

In other words, in her eyes you will have grown as a person.

See, she doesn't want the "old you" back... no matter how much you are willing to beg (which only further diminishes you BTW, digging the hole deeper...). She's wants a different version of you -- and the only chance you have to deliver that is to go off and live your life, absorb the changes that result, and then sometime off in the future try to convince her that you are now a better deal than the guy she once broke up with. You have to present her with a newer Version 2.0 of the relationship that you once had, not a tape rewind. She's obviously not interested in that.

And besides, even if she were to take you back now it would be on her terms, and you would have to continually kiss ass and surrender all the power in the relationship to her. See, you can't just turn back the clock and make things the way they once were. This is unacceptable to her (and it should be to you as well).

This is all a long shot I know, but to do this sort of thing correct is always a long shot.

I personally think this is way too much work, obsessing over any particular woman like this, and that it's best to simply just move on and take the valuable lessons with you. Learn from this experience and show some emotional give-and-take next time. You might have significant shame associated with this type of "open loving" behavior and someone may've convinced you that it's "un-manly" to act too emotional, or whatever.

Dig this shame out and kill it off -- f*** everyone else and their bullshit brainwashing that got you here! Take control of your consciousness and become what you wish to be, not what society or your peers or parents think you ought to be.

Sorry I had no simple answer for you, but to claw your way get back into these old relationships without making any improvements in yourself and pulling out the relevant data is just that... going backwards.

Mike Pilinski is the author of 2 great (and by now even somewhat classic) e-books in the Men's Dating Market... his highly-acclaimed original, "Without Embarrassment: The Social Coward's Totally Fearless Seduction System" and "She's Yours For The Taking: A Man's Guide to the Seduction and Sexual Enchantment of Women". Each of these 250+ page books, newly upgraded and revised for 2009, are a masterful education for all guys in the fine art of meeting, dating and seducing women.

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